micro-analyzation and why I do it: a self-analysis of sorts, and eight quotes

“Thinker” is the nicer title I ascribe myself when getting to know new people; think is what I do. But in all honesty, “thinker” evokes a sense of social/communal-productivity that I do not fully possess (at least on a consistent basis). Thus, I find “micro-analyzer” to be a more-accurate title for my tendency to always critique and improve myself. I do not say this proudly whilst beating my chest and pointing my chin upwards. Rather, I say this somewhat embarrassed. Tyler Durden says, “self-improvement is masturbation.” And micro-anything is usually annoying. QUOTES:1  ¶  The following is a recycled post from February, and contains two separate quotes, bringing the total to 4.5 (quoting myself counts as one half).  ¶  ”‘There’s nothing dear to you in the piles of the known…’  Jesse Ball. Realizing that no less than a pleonastic discourse would be required to expound upon the thoughts evoked by this quote, and which, in the end, semantics would not uphold even momentarily, I thought it appropriate that I came across the following quote in my on-going list of quotes: ‘Analysis kills spontaneity. The grain once ground into flour springs and germinates no more.’  Henri Frederic Amiel.”  ¶  Bob Hedges, my 85-year old and retired Episcopalian rector friend, refers to where I’m heading as, “paralysis by analysis.” And he is absolutely right, for as I look at the screen and begin to contemplate, analyze, and type, my head is already feeling heavier, my brain is beginning to stall, my neck is stiffening, and I’m realizing that my typed words are coming at an ever-slowing pace. But I must press on; I shall press on; “Wonder Twin powers, ACTIVATE!” Form of a clearly-expressed-writer! QUOTES: 6.5  ¶  It is certainly accurate to say that every person cognizant of such, has, does, and will critique themselves – either by simple doubt and self-questioning or through actual analysis. It is the Sitz im Leben, the setting in life, that potentially makes others’ analyzation fascinating to me. It is why I believe my own analyzation is worth sharing.  ¶  So why do I micro-analyze? As Robb sayeth, it is a “beautiful example of the folly that comes from being entirely contained within your own head.” And how is it that I am entirely contained within my own head? Dear readers, we are all creatures of habit and of learned behavior! QUOTES: 7.5  ¶  Sitz im Leben. Setting in life. In fifth grade, I was pushing play-doctor to the limit. In seventh, I was looking for “men’s underwear” on the internet – by eighth it was out-right pornography. Ninth grade was an insane year of rebellion, and in tenth, at a new school, and being younger than all my class-mates, I was warily casting glances at all the cute guys while pouring on the charm with all the popular girls. I was a pro at presenting an “E.N.” people would be proud to have as a friend, and it worked…for everyone except me!  ¶  Where people saw a flourishing young man – gifted, smart, handsome, and funny, and surely surrounded by friends, the reality is that I felt alone. I was constantly trying to improve the presented “me” in hopes of securing the feeling of having participating in meaningful friendships and relationships that can and only did come after I started being the actual me.  ¶  Because of that search for friendship, and pressure to maintain a polished and acceptable “me,” every social decision I made over the course of eleven closeted-years had to be calculated, entirely within my own head. This meant no freedom – in just about every sense of the word you can imagine – and no room for spontaneity. It meant that seeking out new friends was virtually impossible – requiring more effort than I could and wanted to muster, considering the huge task of maintaining the relationships I was already a part of. Which explains why, now that I am fine with being me, I am extremely loyal (exclusive is actually more accurate) to the friends I have – probably to a fault. Which is why I have read (and tried to learn from) this post numerous times.  ¶  …and now I am analyzing again.  ¶  This is how I work. This is how I learned to behave. I will likely always think this way. Realizing this has allowed me to also realize that, while there’s nothing wrong with being a “thinker,” I wouldn’t want it to become a wedge in current and potential relationships. This gives me something I can constantly “think” on. After all, “think is what I do.”  ¶  QUOTES: 8